Becoming an Expert at Validation

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Learning to Navigate Relationships: A Cheat Sheet Along with some Helpful Validating Statements-by Sara Arter

Have a teen you can’t figure out? Or maybe your significant other has voiced they aren’t feeling heard or appreciated. These are some effective tools to communicate with people in different types of relationships.

1. Pay Attention! Yes, this may seem silly and easy but with today’s technology it has become harder for us to interact with one another. Simple tips to paying attention to others include putting your phone down, making eye contact, and listening to the person talk. When we actively listen we are not listening to respond or make a rebuttal, but simply listening to what the other person is saying. Nodding and facing the person shows you are tuned in. You may even want to add in short little phrases to show you are interested and listening such as, “I see,” or “I can see that.”

2. Reflect Back: You may want to reflect back what you heard the person say to be sure you are understanding correctly. You may want to say things such as, “ I think I hear you saying…” or “It sounds like…” and maybe even “I’m not sure I follow…” This allows the person to clarify what they are telling you if there are any discrepancies or miscommunications..

3. Be Sensitive to What is Not Being Said: If you feel there is something not being said or the person communicating their feelings is having trouble - be sensitive to their struggles and what may be going on that you aren’t aware of.

4. Look for Ways to Validate: Look for how the person’s feelings, thinking or actions are valid. This is a classic example of “put yourself in their shoes”. Try to understand how the other person could feel with their experiences and their thought patterns.

5. Treat the Other Person as an Equal: For effective communication to take place it’s important to not “one up” or “one down” someone. When you “one up” someone it could be in the form of, “Well, you did…” or “Oh yeah? Well, I had a bad day where my boss almost fired me in front of everyone!” One-upping is not going to be helpful when communicating with anyone.

A quick validation cheat sheet of statements you can use to validate others:

● “Tell me more about that…”

● “I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

● “Help me to understand what you’re thinking.”

● “It makes sense that you feel/think…”

● “What you are thinking/feeling is normal.